A song doesn't have to be in a horror movie to make an impression though. "Stuck in the Middle With You" may have been a song your parents played in the car on a Sunday morning driving to church/mosque/synagogue/Dennys. However, after watching Reservoir Dogs in which that song is used as the background music for Mr. Blonde's ecstatic torture session it's hard to think happy thoughts. Unless your happy thoughts consist of the brain revisiting Mr. Tarantino's shot of an ear being cut off before a gasoline shower. Given that scene's popularity and dissection by every uppity Tarantino fantatic, it will be left off this list.
The following list is comprised of 7 songs that used to happily transport me back to my childhood. After watching the 7 films that used them however, I find that my magical transportation is actually a windowless van being driven by a 37 year-old sadistic lunatic....with a mustache. Maybe a childhood abduction analogy wasn't the best way to end this introduction. But speaking of sex offenders....
7. The Song: "He's Got the Whole World In His Hands"
The Movie: Con Air
Why I'm Scarred: Growing up under a devoutly Catholic mother, I was forced to attend Bible camps against my will. At six years old I think I protested going because I did not agree with some of the more conservative political beliefs the Church supported. Fine. I was a coward that didn't relish the prospect of being picked on or ridiculed. I did attend though (after threat of force and some bribery) and I viewed it as an early life accomplishment in which I conquered a fear, made some friends and avoided having my underpants shoved into my rectum. "He's Got the Whole World In His Hands" was one of the songs we sang the most. Spoiler alert: The "He" in that song is God. Hearing that song should take me back to that camp and, at worst, disturb me that I can probably still perform the motions to accompany it.
Now whenever I hear that song I think of this man:
Thanks to Con Air and Mr. Michael Bay, I am forced to recall Mr. Buscemi's role as a convicted and repeated sex offender. One of Buscemi's potential victims sings this song and Buscemi later sings it as the plane lands on the Las Vegas strip. Picturing Steve Buscemi having sex with anyone is bad enough but with young children is borderline torture. Put this on top of the fact that most of the time I hear that song it's sang in church by a children's choir. So now I'm thinking about Steve Buscemi committing sex crimes while in God's house. One first class ticket to hell please. At least the song doesn't remind me of Nick Cage's hair. That's definitely more offensive to God.
It's time to move on to number 6 on the list but I've written myself into a corner. There can't possibly be another movie involving Nicholas Cage, the Catholic Church and creepy sex offenders.....right? (lowers head onto desk)
That was of course Nicholas Cage in Face/Off as a terrorist under disguise as a priest. Amazing that in a room full of conservative religious officials, no one notices the head-banging priest squeezing the 15 year old's ass like he's Lebron palming a dunk. Sticking with Face/Off, we move on to number 6 on the list.
6. The Song: "Somewhere Over the Rainbow"
The Movie: Face/Off
Why I'm Scarred: In the interest of fairness, Face/Off is a movie that I own. How often do we get to see the campy styles of John Travolta and Nicholas Cage fused with the over-the-top directing of John Woo? Mix in terrible dialogue ("It's like looking in a mirror....only....not") and it's the perfect storm of B action movies. At least Travolta looks throughout the movie like he knows this is ridiculous.
The Wizard of Oz is one of those movies that I'll always remember watching with my family. We taped it off TV which meant that every time I wanted to watch I had to fast forward through CBS commercials from the 80s. It also meant that all the controversial scenes were edited out like the Tin Man's profanity laced tirade against immigrants. He truly had no heart.
Like a lot of other kids I was enthralled with the scenery and terrified of the monkeys. It's still a movie for which I will stop channel surfing and it takes a special movie to hold that power. Granted, the first thing I think of when I hear "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" is Judy Garland and The Wizard of Oz but a small part of me is reminded of Face/Off. In what I'm guessing was supposed to be some kind of emotional ploy, John Woo plays "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" during an epic shoot-out in Cage's apartment. The result is literally laughable and Woo would have been better off to just go to the default trick of releasing doves into the room.
It makes perfect sense that an FBI agent would shoot at the 6 year old standing in the middle of the room wearing onesie jammies. That was the biggest threat in the room huh? I hate that even a small part of my brain is reminded of this 1997 celluloid dump. Fingers crossed for Uwe Boll using "The Hills Are Alive" in his next Razzie winner. Or maybe "Singin' in the Rain". Crap, I just unintentionally made another segway.
5. Song: "Singin in the Rain"
Movie: A Clockwork Orange
Why I'm Scarred: My sister was a big fan of old Hollywood musicals. Being 6 years her junior it was often her decision on what to watch and, given the innocent nature of those movies, my parents liked it that way. One of my favorites was Singin in the Rain. I still find it a very funny movie which is even more impressive considering it's a musical. Imagine trying to make Old School work if Ferrell had to stop every 15 minutes and sing a Frank the Tank musical number.
All those happy memories of the "Singin in the Rain" title song vanished as soon as I watched A Clockwork Orange, Stanley Kubrick's delightful romp into mind control, violence and rape. Yippee! At the beginning of the movie the main character, Alex DeLarge, loves the work of Beethoven's 9th Symphony but later, due to negative visual conditioning, experiences intense psychological pain when he hears it. Ironic that before viewing A Clockwork Orange the song "Singin in the Rain" made me think of this:
And after finishing the movie, I can only think of this nightmare fuel:
There's not much reason to elaborate as to why this movie is emotionally scarring. For those who haven't seen it, this song is belted out by the main character after he and his mates force entry to a house, beat its owner to the point of permanent impairment and then brutally rape his wife. Gather the kids around for movie night and pop this one in. Clockwork is a well done film and is deservedly praised as a work of genius. But on behalf of screaming and sleepless children everywhere Mr. Kubrick, thank you for using a song so near and dear to my heart.
The only way Kubrick could have made something more disturbing would be combining a Disney song with the Vietnam War. Oh....wait.
4. The Song: "Mickey Mouse Club Theme Song"
The Movie: Full Metal Jacket
Why I'm Scarred: Viewing Full Metal Jacket is like watching two different movies essentially split into two 45 minute segments. The first 45 minutes is spent in boot camp with the Mozart of profanity Sgt. Hartman and the second half takes us to Vietnam combat. It was a great moment of self-discovery when I realized that whether in boot camp or actual combat, I would not have done well in Vietnam. That is unless the military gives out medals for loudest, shrillest shrieks or most piss accumulated in one's pants. I don't know that I would have flown off the deep end like Private Pyle by shooting a superior and then shoving a rifle into my mouth like it was a Five Dollar Foot Long but there would definitely be nights with some whimpering while curled up in the fetal position.
The film ends with Joker marching and singing the Mickey Mouse song with the rest of the men illuminated by the burning Vietnamese town. What was once a song that reminded me of spending afternoons at my cousin's house rejoicing in the fact that they had a satellite dish and the Disney channel now reminds me of Joker euthanizing a Vietcong woman sniper. And not the "me so horny" prostitute either although that would have been an interesting twist. I've also been scared straight off Vietnamese hookers as a result of watching so at least some good came of it.
Little known fact: Mary Jane Rotten-crotch was the pet name for my ex-girlfriend. Still trying to figure out why she left me. Moving on.
3. The Song: "Ordinary World" by Duran Duran
The Movie: Layer Cake
Why I'm Scarred: In case you've forgotten from number 5 on the list, my sister is 6 years older than me which means that my musical taste from an early age was influenced by her. That would probably also explain why I get stares at stop lights when I sing along to No Doubt's "I'm Just a Girl". In the early nineties it was all about the cassette tape as a status symbol. I still remember thinking that just having Green Day's Dookie shoved in my back jeans pocket would pole vault my popularity. Sadly it did not and that's probably why I'm spending my time writing a blog. Regardless, I still remember the day that my sister brought home the Duran Duran album Ordinary World and proceeded to play it nonstop for the next two weeks. Since our rooms were so close in proximity I now had a soundtrack for sorting baseball cards and action figure battles. Spider-man fighting a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle just didn't have the same effect when "Come Undone" was playing in the background. As a result, every time I would hear a song from that album I would think of my sister.
That's still true today with the exception of the album's title track "Ordinary World" which was used in the British crime drama Layer Cake. The song is playing in the background as Daniel Craig's associate, Morty, meets with the man that was responsible for his tenure in jail. Understandably not happy about the stint in jail, Morty beats the living hell out of the guy. Director Matthew Vaughn (of the Kick-Ass fame) gives us the privilege of getting a first person perspective on what it would like to be brutally assaulted by a pissed off gangster. This experience is complete with the song fading intermittently in and out of his barely conscious eardrums as the beating continues. The scene is completed by Morty pouring scalding hot tea all over his former associate's face. As a result, the song "Ordinary World" serves as a constant reminder not to snitch on burly drug dealers and to certainly never accept a breakfast invitation from them.
2. The Song: "Big Rock Candy Mountain"
The Movie: Runaway Jury
Why I'm Scarred: For those not familiar with this song, here's a Youtube version complete with animation. And no, I did not just slip you LSD.
I'm not sure why but that song always reminded me of being at my grandparents' house for the holidays. No, our family did not eat massive amounts of hash as a Christmas tradition. I think it was just one of those songs that played in the background for some reason. It's a moot point now though since Runaway Jury used it in the first five minutes. Dylan McDermott plays a loving father evidenced by the fact that he has just arrived at work and is pleading with several female members of his staff to help him remember the words to "Big Rock Candy Mountain" before he sees his son that night. He remembers the lyrics just in time for a disgruntled employee to start playing his own version of "Big Buck Hunter". Only replace "Big Buck" with "Slow Co-Worker in Enclosed Space". McDermott's fatherly character is shot and that is the basis for the gun control trial.
There is one glaring plot hole though. Why would anyone ever want to shoot Dylan McDermott? Oh....right.
In case you're wondering, yes, that is Usher in a cowboy hat. Moving on to the last spot on the list.
1. The Song: "She'll Be Coming 'Round the Moutain"
The Movie: Grosse Point Blank
Why I'm Scarred (in a good way): I love this movie and thought John Cusack and Dan Akroyd were great in their roles as rival assassins. The expletive filled version of "She'll Be Coming 'Round the Mountain" that Akroyd's character sings to Cusack in the final shoot out produces solid laughs in a tense situation. It was funny and, considering that I learned that song in preschool, it probably replaced the memory of some kid shoving my face into paste. Win-win.
I have nothing else to add and since the internet seems to have something against showing me pictures or video of Dan Akroyd in that role, I will leave you with a picture of my fellow writer, Nick Connors, finding an Intellivision gaming system in a New Jersey pawn shop. Pure joy.
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