Review: Toys (A review 18 years in the making)

I was eight years old when Toys came out in theaters. I never saw it but the TV spots alone were enough to simultaneously provide me with a sense of wonder and enough night terrors to last for six weeks. After watching the entire movie 17 years later, I’m happy to report that I only involuntarily pissed my pants a little bit by the time the end credits rolled. Robin Williams was the perfect choice as the lead since he has a lot in common with the film. They’re both loud, flashy and try really hard but I’m not really entertained. With the exception of a few choice roles (Hook, Mrs. Doubtfire) this has been a consistent criticism of mine about Williams as an actor. He’s just not that funny. As an actor, he’s not necessarily entitled to be funny as long as he doesn’t choose comedy scripts. But when a stand-up comedian stars in a comedy and it’s not funny, it’s like buying a car and finding the engine is made of Legos. I will save my full opinion on the highs and lows of Mr. Williams’ acting career for a longer post. For now, my opinion on Toys.
Director Barry Levinson does the best he can with the script. The movie is very visually captivating and that will distract you from the plot for the first 45 minutes or so. The main story centers on a toy manufacturer tycoon who passes away and leaves the whimsical, kid-friendly toy company to his militaristic brother the General (Michael Gambon) instead of to his immature, childish son Leslie (Williams). Much to Leslie’s dismay, his uncle and cousin turns the company’s focus on war toys and even war profiteering. It’s an interesting cast and I’m as surprised as you are when I say that LL Cool J is the scene stealer of the film. Take a moment to process this…..and your hat is not like a shark fin. Turn it around, you look ridiculous. No matter how good the cast is though, they cannot overcome a generally weak script and a meandering plot. Overall, this is a movie I would recommend if you need something on in the background as you fold laundry or recover from a hangover. Also given the intense visual effects, watching this high would be a bad idea. For a further listing of illegal drugs you should/should not take while watching Toys, please visit our sister website: www.wasted-attempt-at-humor.com. Get it? Wasted? Meaning when someone has taken too many drugs and wasted because I missed an opportunity to write a better joke? No? Fine. Go ahead and click your favorites link to Perez Hilton. We’re done here.

I'd buy it two beers. But I'd never let it babysit my kids.